


Burden

by justanothernerdgirl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur's Return, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Merthur Party 2013, Modern Era, Team Orange, don't judge this I wrote it in a day, sorry for any mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-28
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-06 10:32:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1105756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothernerdgirl/pseuds/justanothernerdgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merthur Party 2013 Day Five "not the end" </p><p>Arthur returns and Merlin has to learn how to love again. </p><p>For my warlock whizbangwizard. Hope you like it :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any incorrect hospital protocol stuff. I know nothing about hospitals, even less about those in the UK. Also sorry for the American English. I'm American. I know very little about the Queen's English. Even less when I'm as exhausted as I am.
> 
> I will edit this eventually. This is a rough draft but I wanted to get it up sometime today.
> 
> I do not own any rights to the television show Merlin.

 

Serve God, love me, and mend  
This is not the end,  
Live unbruised, we are friends,  
I’m sorry  
–Mumford and Sons

          Avalon set on fire that night as the lake teemed with magic. The sky held a golden sunset for longer than any should last and the earth quaked as the lake relinquished a boat held far too long. The burnt firewood was quickly restored to how Merlin himself had originally built it, and the one blond hair that had held at the bottom of the waters in between two splinters of wood for all these centuries now belonged amongst many others on a blond man restored to exactly how Merlin himself had originally loved him.  
          It was perfect; exactly the kind of scene an arrogant prat might have wanted to signal his return. But one thing was missing: two footprints in the sand that had long washed away had not returned, though absent mindedly they were traced as Arthur Pendragon stepped on their place and looked at the road ahead.  
-  
        Merlin held the old woman’s hand. In the days he had known her, she had unwrinkled skin and a name that sounded like the song of the wind: Freya. He always found her too late though, as time and time again destiny searched for the right soul to bring back and failed to connect to the one that Merlin most wanted to see. He was glad he could be here for her though, if only in this way.  
        “Doctor”, she began, her voice dry and unstable, “did you see the sunset last night? They say it was beautiful”.  
        “It was gold and red. The colors seemed to bleed out of the blue sky and stayed there until the moon pushed them out around nine.”  
Freya sighed in content with his words, her eyes fluttering shut as she fell asleep again, something she did more often than not these days. She had been blind for years now, one of the many diseases she had been cursed with taking her eyesight from her. That was her curse in this lifetime: always sick, always drowning in pain. He kissed her hand as someone shouted for him to come quickly.  
“       What happened?” he asked the nurse.  
       “Man got hit by a car. They say he was just standing in the road. About a half mile south of Avalon Island. He’s going to need emergency surgery. He was hit pretty bad.”  
      “Thanks. What room is he in?”  
       “Four”.  
       Merlin ran down there and scrubbed in quickly, using the slightest bit of magic to speed up the process. The nurses had already wheeled him in and the anesthesiologist waited for his signal to put the man under, though the blonde was close to unconsciousness as it was. He looked at his patient, who was bleeding out at a rapid rate, and had to do a double take.  
     “Do we know his name?” he asked the room.  
      “a John Doe, sir. MEs couldn’t get a identification out of him”.  
       “Alright, well, we’re losing time. Let’s get started”.  
       The surgery flew by as Merlin blocked out any thought that didn’t pertain to basic anatomy. The fact that he knew these man’s ribs, muscles, and heart better than anyone remained locked in a cage in the back of his mind. He tried to convince himself it was just a look alike, as so many he encountered had been in the past, but he knew. And that was something he couldn’t dwell on as Arthur lay bleeding on the table in front of him.  
         Once stable, Arthur was transferred to the ICU, hopefully to be released to general care in a day or so. Merlin claimed to be a cousin of his, giving the excuse that his mother’s family was obsessed with mythology for the distinctive name.  
        “Really? But Pendragon? That’s a family name?” The woman at the desk had asked.  
        “He changed it.” Merlin answered quickly. It reminded him of the days when Arthur and Gaius used to interrogate him just like this, with the same raised eyebrow and an expression that questioned his sanity. As if he hadn’t done that enough today. “Had a bit too much to drink one night.”  
         She nodded and smiled, entering him into the database and telling him the doctor that was assigned to Arthur, since Merlin could no longer take him on as a conflict of interest.  
         Merlin spent the next few days sleeping little and eating only when the new doctor, a man Merlin had become friendly with over the years, brought him food. He still tended to his patients, unable to remain still, but he took every minute off to check on Arthur.  
         His magic felt younger than it had in centuries every time he so much as stepped into the hallway outside Arthur’s room. It was vibrant, eager to get loose, and he let it console and heal Arthur as much as it could. Merlin was still the most powerful sorcerer to have ever lived, but he was also an old man. He had kept the face Arthur had left him with when he decided to become a doctor for the 21st century. He had previously been many things: an old bookshop owner, a young artist, a middleaged fisherman, a father and husband twice. Neither line of grandchildren and great grandchildren know why grandpa suddenly disappeared. As much as it hurt to leave them, he doubted they’d have the same noble hearted acceptance he’d received so long ago.  
         He’d been alone since World War II, a gunshot having claimed the man he was discreetly seeing intimately. They had fought before he was deployed, Merlin refusing to enlist with him (to secretly smuggle families out of Germany but he couldn’t tell him that), and not long after receiving a letter telling him that was the last fight he’d have with him.  
       Merlin had accepted storybooks ended. He had felt the love they spoke of, many times over, but he’d accepted that love was painful and that it ended. Arthur had ended as had his wives, lovers, children, grandchildren, and even the occasional pet. Everything ended. Nothing came back. That was why he was a freak. He lived past “the end”, past the last page of the story, past what any person could consider rational. Merlin had no end.  
        In a way, he always thought that if Arthur did come back, he’d be Merlin’s way out of this life. That’d be it. No more living with immortality, no more feeling alone. But seeing him now, lying in the hospital bed, Merlin saw the same fragility as he saw in all humans. And it wasn’t fair. He couldn’t lose Arthur twice. It was too much.  
      Merlin could leave him there. Disappear again. The prophecy had said only that Arthur would rise again and Merlin would wait for him. It gave nothing as to after that. Well, Merlin had waited. Hadn’t even ever left the UK for more than a few months at a time. Always revolved around this city, just in case. And Arthur had risen. He was back.  
      Now it was Merlin’s choice.

* * *

  
     When Arthur opened his eyes, his first thought was that Merlin had drawn the curtains in his chambers back too suddenly. “ _Mer_ lin!” he shouted, before remembering exactly what happened. He didn’t have too long to panic at the hard cover over his mouth and the fact he was hit by a rather hard magical creature before a familiar voice answered “Arthur?”.  
Merlin removed the oxygen mask and sat on the side of his bed. Arthur noticed his eyes were red and he was thinner than Arthur remembered, though Merlin had always been a bit lanky.  
    “Where am I?”  
     Merlin put his hand on Arthur’s cheek and smiled fondly. “in a hospital. You were hit by a car. I was really worried. What were you doing in the middle of the street?”  
     “A car?” Arthur looked at him in the same frustrated way Merlin had dreamed about for years. Merlin had no choice but to laugh.  
     “Nevermind that, I’ll explain later. I’m just glad you’re okay. Tell me what the last thing you remember is.”  
Arthur propped himself up on his elbows and looked around before sighing. “I..I was on a boat and it hit shore. I woke up and you weren’t there. No one was. There was just this…gray road. I walked towards the hills, towards Camelot, and this…this beast came at me. I had no sword so I just braced myself and the next thing I know I’m….” he gestured wildly “here!”  
        Merlin nodded and ran his head through his hair. “What?” Arthur demanded. “What is it?”  
     “Well…it’s been a couple years since you died.”  
     “Well I can see that!”  
      “Arthur….the year is two thousand fourteen.”  
       Arthur froze and his eyes widened. His mind raced from thinking of strategies to deal with this to thinking of questions to ask to finally…Merlin.  
       “How old are you?” he asked quietly. Merlin turned his eyes downward and that was all the answer the king needed. Too old.  
       “Does Camelot…is it….?”  
       “Arthur, Camelot disappeared years ago. It’s just stories now. So many stories. Geoffrey of Monmouth’s great grandson found some of his old writing and misinterpreted a lot of it. Not many of the stories are accurate but they’re all very clear about their king and his great and noble heart.” Arthur smiled gently at the words, his eyes welling up a little at the thought of being remembered so well, even so far into the future. Merlin saw him and snickered. “No idea what they’re talking about of course. Very inaccurate.”  
       Arthur leaned forward to hit him and groaned. Merlin worriedly traced his hands over Arthur’s body, looking him over for torn stiches or anything signaling a change of well being.  
     “Merlin! Merlin! I’m alright. Just feel a bit….”  
     “Like you’ve been hit by a car?”  
     “What the bloody hell is a car!”  
     “A really fast metal horse”  
    “What!”  
    “Well” Merlin shrugged “It’s the closest definition I can think of. People ride inside it to get places.”  
    “So like a carriage.”  
    “Uh…yeah!”  
     Arthur smiled. “idiot.”  
    “prat” scoffed Merlin, returning the smile after a second. The world melted away as they looked at each other. Arthur couldn’t believe what felt like a second was years for Merlin. He felt horribly guilty but they were here now, and that’s what mattered. He wondered if anyone else had returned and was about to ask when a strange man came into the room in a long white coat and something in his hands that looked like it held papers. Arthur pulled Merlin closer instinctively.  
   "Merlin! I told you to call me when he was awake!” the man scolded. Arthur looked between the two of them. They appeared friendly and so Arthur relaxed slightly into the pillows. The dull ache of soreness was growing into actual pain and the intensity of the situation was overwhelming. The man pressed something and the bed moved, adjusting Arthur so he was reclining but positioned slightly more upright. Arthur startled slightly.  
   “Arthur, this is your doctor-“ Merlin began, before the doctor interrupted.  
    “I’m Doctor Smith, but you can call me John if you like. It’s not Johnny, though, no matter how much this one insists.” The doctor playfully shoved Merlin who grinned back widely and shrugged. “Of course, I’m sure you’d prefer to have your cousin as your doctor, but I’m afraid it’s against hospital policy. However, I might be able to get you released early as long as Merlin promises to monitor your condition closely. You had several surgeries, which Merlin or I can explain to you if you like, and were in intensive care for two days before being moved here. Questions?”           Arthur shook his head. “Do you think you can answer a few questions for me? How do you feel?”  
    “Could you do anything for the pain?”  
     “I can give you a bit more medicine and I’ll prescribe some things for you Merlin can pick up at the pharmacy.”  
    “John! He already thinks I’m his manservant! Don’t encourage him!” Merlin jumped up. But you are, Arthur thought as John laughed. He pouted slightly which only made Merlin and John laugh harder.  
    “Sorry, man.” John apologized. “Just a couple questions to check your head” he said as he flashed a light in Arthur’s eyes. “What year is it?”  
     “two thousand fourteen” Arthur remembered from when Merlin told him.  
     “What’s your full name?”  
     “Arthur Pendragon” Arthur answered.   
     “Who’s the prime minister?”  
      Arthur paused and looked panicking at Merlin, who frowned and interrupted on his behalf. “John, don’t worry. If he shows any negative signs I’ll bring him right in.”  
     The doctor sighed but finally consented, saying he’d keep Arthur for the night but then sign off on his release into Merlin’s personal care tomorrow. Once he left, Arthur’s pout returned.  
     “I don’t know anything! The world is so different and I don’t know a single thing about it!”  
     “The prime minister is David Cameron” Merlin said smoothly.  
     “Merlin!”  
     “Arthur, it’s alright. You’ll move in with me and I’ll take you through all of this slowly. It’ll be okay.”  
    Arthur nodded and looked out the window. “So…cars then.”  
     “Cars.”

* * *

  
     Merlin had been so relieved at Arthur’s waking up, he didn’t fully realize what he promised. But there wasn’t really any other choice for him was there? He was Arthur’s. Born for Arthur. Stayed alive for Arthur. Fought for Arthur. And when Arthur died again, he would go to the ends of the earth to find out how to die too.  
     They moved Arthur in quickly. Merlin always had guest rooms for others over the years. Occasionally he’d take in someone homeless or adopt a child just to have something to do, someone to care for. He’d lived for someone else for so long, he forgot how to live for himself. And he never wanted to, not really. Living for yourself didn’t seem to mean much, when there was no one around to care about what you did.  
     He bought Arthur new clothes and taught him the uses of everything in the house. It didn’t take Arthur long to pick up things. He spent his days with the news on in the background and researching on the computer mostly, trying to catch up on the centuries he was absent for.  
     They fell into routine easily. Arthur naturally awoke around eight and Merlin, who had taken a couple weeks off, would make breakfast. The first morning, the toast had scared Arthur who had promptly jumped in front of Merlin, protecting him with his arms and a broom. When Merlin burst out laughing, Arthur hit him with the broom and asked how it worked. Soon, Arthur became used to the strange sounds all the appliances made: the beeping of the washer, the music of the radio, the low growling of the heater and Merlin became used to Arthur.  
      There was a problem there: all these years, he thought having Arthur back would be easier. It wasn’t though. It was hard. So hard. Every time he held Arthur, he was reminded of his death. Every time they laughed and Arthur winced, he was reminded of the fact that Arthur could have died. Every time he wished Arthur a goodnight, he was reminded that ultimately, he was alone.  
      Slowly, Merlin’s answers to Arthur’s questions became shorter. Merlin picked up more hours and left often without saying goodbye when he returned to work. He didn’t realize he was avoiding Arthur, but he was. All those years ago, he’d been in love with his best friend. He hadn’t realized it, but it had been true, and having Arthur back only made him fall harder. But he couldn’t do this. Not again.  
      He still made dinner for them both, seeing as Arthur couldn’t cook to save his life. But the dinners were short and often Merlin would just order something that could be delivered to the house if he was working late.  
But it didn’t get easier.

* * *

  
      Arthur sat on the couch, laptop perched between his legs, and a science fiction program on the telly. He was beginning to feel better, to move more without assistance. He knew Merlin wouldn’t have gone back to the hospital if he hadn’t thought Arthur could manage on his own and Arthur did his best to not impose on Merlin’s life. Once, Merlin had lived for Arthur’s benefit. He had been his manservant and constant companion. Arthur had paid Merlin, given him a place to live, and there as a defined status quo.  
     If the status quo had been slightly ignored at times, well, no one ever seemed to mind. But though Arthur often wished the class difference between the two of them to be gone, he never wanted this. Now, Arthur was miniscule. He was a drain on resources and time. Merlin had a house, friends, a life. Merlin didn’t need him. Arthur wished he didn’t need Merlin. Even before this, he had. He’d always needed Merlin. But Merlin was a sorcerer even then wasn’t he?  
     The realization that he’d always been a burden dawned on him and hit him hard. He’d known Merlin resented the chores, but Arthur always saw it as a fair amount of work for the money and status Merlin received as Arthur’s manservant. Now, he saw Merlin’s whole life as unfair. And he couldn’t let this injustice continue much longer.  
      When Merlin came home that night, Arthur was still awake. He had made sure of this. He had made coffee even, an accomplishment of which he was immeasurably proud. Surely if he could do this, he could live alone?  
      “Good evening, _Mer_ lin” Arthur greeted, trying to bring a light tone to the matter he was about to discuss, though it brought him no pleasure.  
      “Arthur! Hi! Did you have dinner? Wasn’t it delivered? I can probably make something for us quickly…”  
      “Merlin! Stop!” Arthur commanded, using all the confidence he had once gained as king. “Everything’s fine. Come sit with me. Tea?”  
      Merlin raised his eyebrow suspiciously before shrugging off his coat and nodding. “Sure, thanks.”   
      Merlin sat on the couch and glanced at the television, surprised to find a fictional program there. Arthur grinned, pleased at being able to surprise him still. He would miss this. Miss Merlin. But he couldn’t live here much longer. It had been nearly a month, and though Arthur wasn’t entirely recovered, he would be soon and there needed to be a plan in place for that time.  
     Arthur made the tea quickly, selecting the one he knew was Merlin’s favorite. He sat in front of Merlin on the coffee table and placed the tea in his hands. The television was blaring in the silence between them and Merlin, in his infinite wisdom, muted it as if sensing Arthur’s needs. He always did, somehow. Except during a hunt. Arthur chuckled softly at the idea.  
    “Arthur?” Merlin asked, placing his tea down and putting his hands on Arthur’s knees. “What’s happened? Are you alright? I can get Doctor Smith on the phone in ten seconds if you need. Arthur?”  
    “You worry too much.”  
     Merlin leaned back again, looking Arthur up and down. “Prat”.  
     “Dollophead”.  
   “That was my word!”  
    “yes. It was.”  
    Merlin stuck out his tongue. “What’s this about Arthur?”  
   “You haven’t been around much.” Arthur started quietly.  
   “I work, you know that.” Merlin defended, his arms crossed.  
   “You can’t have to. You must have loads of money saved after all this time.”  
    “I like helping people!”  
   “just not me.”  
   The silence was deafening. It was true, he thought, Merlin can’t deny that now. I’m a burden. And this needs to stop. Even if it breaks my heart.  
   “Arthur…”  
   “No, Merlin. You know it’s true. I’m a drain. I came back unexpectedly and interrupted your life. I can’t leave yet, unfortunately, but I’m almost well again and perhaps I could take out a loan” Merlin raised his eyebrow at this word “and start my own life somewhere else. Across town or something. I can become a man of state. Politics can not be too different these days.” Merlin laughed at that, but his eyes betrayed him. To Arthur’s surprise tears were forming. “Merlin?”  
   “So you’re leaving?”  
   “Because you want me to.”  
   “I never said that!”  
    “You must be thinking it! Once, Merlin, once I commanded your loyalty. Expected it of you. And you were always too brave, too kind, too…good for me. You still are, in many ways. But now this is a new life and you owe me nothing. I have no idea how I returned, nor why, but it is not your responsibility.”  
    “You’re my destiny.” Merlin muttered.  
    “I was.” Arthur acknowledged. “But now?”  
   “What is it you want, Arthur?”  
    “A starting loan, nothing too big. And maybe some help getting started. I hate to ask it of you-“  
   “To threaten me with leaving, you must want something. Just tell me, Arthur. Stop this.”  
   “What?”  
   “Have I not done enough? Do you want different food? A new bed? I know I’ve been a little absent lately, I know I have. But I just…” Merlin trailed off. He stood up and started pacing around the room.  
   “Merlin?” Arthur asked nervously.  
   “You ended Arthur! You ended! You died and left me and I’ve been waiting for years for you to come back and my life to start again! Do you know how old I am? Look!” Merlin faded into the man called Emrys, the man who had once caused so much trouble in the kingdom, the man who had won Camlann, the man who now stumbled across the carpet. Arthur took his hand and helped him sit down. “I’m so old Arthur. I’ve been alive so long. Lost so many people. And none of it even compared to losing you. I can’t do that again, Arthur, I can’t lose you. My heart can’t take it.”  
   “Merlin-“  
   “No, Arthur, you can’t possibly understand. I know I was just your manservant. I know I was never much to you. But you were my everything. And now you’re back, and Albion is going to need you soon according to prophecy, and what if I lose you again? I tried to stop caring. Tried to think of you as a burden, but you’re not Arthur. You’re my reason. Without you I don’t make sense!” Merlin's magic escaped from him at the outburst, flickering the lights. Merlin wrapped around himself and turned back to the the young version that was so familiar to Arthur.  
   “you think you were nothing to me?”  
    “that’s the part you take out? Yes. You had your knights, your wife, your family. I was a bumbling idiot in the corner who just happened to save your life a hundred or so times.”  
Arthur took his hand and kissed it. Merlin looked up at him through his tears and frowned. “You could never be nothing.” Arthur promised him.            “You were my everything too. I could only ever be myself around you. Even with Guinevere, I always felt like I was proving myself. But never with you. You only ever wanted ME. You believed in me. I never understood that, took it as another sign of you being an idiot. But you aren’t. I know that now. And Merlin…I love you.”  
     Merlin froze. The muted television played shadows of color across defined cheekbones. Arthur watched him stare down at the floor for what felt like hours, his heart beating at thousands of miles an hour as Merlin’s felt like it had stopped. Finally, Arthur punched him playfully. “Merlin!”  
    “Arthur?” Merlin looked doubtful, as if having forgot he was there.  
    “Merlin…it’s okay if you don’t love me too. I mean, how could you? But you should know that if I do leave, it has nothing to do with anything but wanting you to be happy. You deserve a normal life, one that you can live without having to worry about anyone else. You should have that”  
      Merlin breathed out heavily and said in his hardest voice “I don’t want it you noble supercilious dollopheaded prat”. And then he did something unexpected. And perfect.  
     Merlin kissed Arthur.

* * *

  
     “You love me?” Merlin whispered that night in bed, twisting his fingers in Arthur’s light chest hair.  
      “such a girl, _Mer_ lin.” He teased. Then, upon seeing Merlin’s eyes on him, he smiled and said “I love you”. Arthur kissed merlin’s eyelids, his cheekbones, his neck, his collarbones, and finally, his heart. “Go to sleep” he whispered, lying back down.  
      Merlin smiled in content, but something still pulled at him. Something made him want to run and cling to Arthur at the same time. “Merlin!” he heard, pulling him out of his daze. “You’re thinking too loudly. I can’t sleep.”  
     After a moment, Merlin admitted to his fears. “Kilgarrah said you’d return when Albion need you most. But it doesn’t need you right now.”  
     “I don’t know, have you seen the news lately?”  
     “Yes but…”  
     “We’ll figure it out. Whatever happens: you, me, and destiny. We’ll figure it out.”  
     “I guess.”  
     “You’re too worried about the end, Merlin. But this, right here, isn’t an end. This is our beginning.”  
      Merlin grinned, his eyes sparkling. “Who knew you could be deep?”  
      “Merlin.”  
      “yes?”  
      “shut up.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any incorrect hospital protocol stuff. I know nothing about hospitals, even less about those in the UK. Also sorry for the American English. I'm American. I know very little about the Queen's English. Even less when I'm as exhausted as I am.
> 
> I will edit this eventually. This is a rough draft but I wanted to get it up sometime today.
> 
> I do not own any rights to the television show Merlin.
> 
> Feel free to leave feedback, but please be kind and keep it mind this is the first draft.


End file.
